Blurred Edges
by Capella Alpha Aurigae
Summary: Who knew that love and hate were pretty much the same thing? I never did, that’s for sure. Just a short Thatchel monologue. Thatz POV. Rated for a significant amount of swearing.


A/N: This is a really short Thatchel monologue-type-thing. Swearing is kind of excessive…sorry about that. Thatz POV. I guess it would take place around Book 14 or so…I hope you enjoy and review.

Blurred Edges

The leaves are falling from the trees, even though they're still green. I don't know why. Maybe the rain is too much for them. Maybe they can't stand staring any longer into the unresponsive sky. The branches bend slowly, as though the weight of their own leaves is just too much to bear. I don't know, but I feel like guessing. I'm just sitting here, staring out the window, trying not to think about her.

Oh, damn it all. I don't care. Why the fuck do I have to spend my precious few free moments worrying about a girl who-knows-how-many miles away? It's not fair, especially when I know she's probably half forgotten who I am. You damned scatterbrain, Kitchel! Screw you. I hate you, you lying, back-stabbing, stupid little bitch. Just go to hell, see if I care! How dare you just…vanish. You can't go getting lost in some goddamn cave in a different fucking dimension and not get back. If you get yourself hurt, or captured, or killed…Well you deserve it, after making me go through this, so see if I give a shit. And I don't, dammit, I don't care about you at all.

Yeah, Thatz, I laugh to myself. Just keep telling yourself that. Then maybe it will be true, and it won't hurt you anymore I feel a twinge inside, and spontaneously shiver. I look back at the trees shifting ever so slightly in the rain-soaked air. I can't be sad, now. It's not my style, and besides, if I started moping we'd have no one left to keep our spirits up. But it's hard, suppressing all the feelings that make me want to cry with frustration. It's just that I know if I started crying…Well, I just don't _do_ that.

I shake my head, but that doesn't clear it, it just muddles everything up and brings back what I don't want to think about: Kitchel. How on earth does such a stupid thing keep bothering me? I've known her forever, and it's not like I always freak out when she's away from me. Normally I'm relieved by it, because I hate her. I think. Fuck. This is confusing. I thought that the reason she always stayed on my mind…was because I hated her. But now, worrying all the time…it's not like me, and I don't like that, and I know well enough that she can take care of her own fucking self, and anyway, Ringleys is with her, and I should be glad that she's driving someone else crazy for a change. But I'm not, and she's still driving me crazy, but the strange thing is…I like it. Now that's screwed up. I _like_ it when she makes me insane. It's just something, it's part of how I…I guess…I love her. Hate her, and love her, and god, what the hell am I supposed to do?

It's so fucking pathetic that the first person I find that I really love has been right next to me forever, and I never realized until she was out of my reach. You never realize what you've got until it's gone. I hate it when those old sayings turn out to be true. It's only now, when we're practically living in different worlds…And, god, I hate her. I hate her for making me love her when she'd never love me. Hell, she'll never even know that I love her. I mean, I can't tell her, because she'd laugh me into my grave. But all that… the way she's always mocking me and can act like such a naïve moron and such a selfish know-it-all, and gets so annoying, and is so goddamn stubborn all the time, it just makes me love hating her, hate loving her…Who knew that love and hate were pretty much the same thing? I never did, that's for sure. But, they're both passion for someone, I guess, it just depends on whether you want to kiss that person or knock their brains out. I'm confused, I guess, because I'd like to do both.

I sigh and a few more leaves fall to the sodden ground. I guess this is why I'm a thief. I always want what I can't have. The problem is, Kitchel's the same way. And I'm already hers.


End file.
